


(hesitant) disobedience

by idroppedtheavos



Category: Disobedience (2017)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23491657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idroppedtheavos/pseuds/idroppedtheavos
Summary: one-shot.i wrote this back in 2018. most probably right after i'd watched the film, which is a masterpiece, by the way. i'm always a messy lil' puddle of feels and existential crises after a good movie. or book.p.s. the spitting in that one scene is a whole 'nother world and i'm never going into it. i'm going to shut up now.stay home and stay safe. i hope this makes for a good read.
Relationships: Ronit Krushka/Esti Kuperman
Kudos: 38





	(hesitant) disobedience

“You’re leaving.” Esti was cool, calm.

“And you won’t come back?” She asked through the stiff, binding silence. 

I shook my head, and I knew she was sensitive, upset. She never spoke of herself. She held back, as she was taught. She did not turn. She looked ahead, and sucked in a breath, low and quiet.

“So this is it.”

“Yes.” I felt angry, at her indifference. My own cold hand balled up a length of the coat, heavy on my shoulders.

_ Will you shout? Will you yell? Or will you leave, and leave her to Dovid, to his arms and to his touch? _

“And I will not come back.” I tried to poke at her, make her show just  _ any  _ sign of feeling. I knew she could hear my shaking, my sudden loathe of her, from the trembling of my voice. She was closed to me, just like when I visited, years ago, when we were still young and I thought of her much more, yearned for her much more. She was slipping away from my grasp now. I wanted to pull, pull her to me, to tell her, “Come with me. We will pack. And we will escape from this dreadful, suffocating place. You… We need it. Come with me.”

And, ”Please.”

_ Please.  _

“Yes, that might be… best.” She drew another painful breath as I did.

“Best?” I stared hard at her back, her blue winter jacket. Her crossed arms that were on her chest out of sight. 

_ Don't touch me.  _ Was that the message?

There was no response. Jealousy and anger boiled inside me, and I lashed out just as the monster in me reared its ugly head.

“Best?” I repeated in disbelief. “For who?”

_ Please. I just want you back. I want to feel you again. I missed you, I missed you… I missed you- _

“For you. Me. Us.”

“Us? Didn't you imply that there would be no more ‘us’ ?” I snapped. I was desperate. I wanted her.

I saw her flinch visibly, and I let go of my coat, reaching into the pocket.

“We could be friends…” 

My hands shook violently and dropped the cigarette packet where it fell back to be held in the confines of the pocket. Jaw clenching, I stayed silent to fish it out again, flipping it open hastily.

Esti heard the sound and finally,  _ finally,  _ spun around.

“Shit. Shit, shit...” I stared at the empty packet, not looking up for fear that tears would spring out from my eyes as soon as we made eye contact.

“Ronit.” She trudged towards me, the snow crunching under her favourite boots, the pair I had bought for her with my savings, the summer when we were thirteen. 

It brought back memories, of us, in our secret place, quiet and calm, fingers intertwined and voices soft. Her laugh. Her warm skin, swollen lips, curious hands, careful, hungry touch… Scenes played in my head as if I were seeing our younger selves in a movie. It only seemed to spite, agitate me, my headache worse and the suffocating hold on my throat tightened.

“Ronit…”

“F-fuck...” My head throbbed hard, my breathing uneven. I gasped and clutched at the charm hanging around my neck (a gift from her that same summer, that I swore to never take off).

“Ronit!” My head spun.

I saw Esti rummage in her own pocket, then thrust a cigarette between my lips. She produced a lighter and lit it, shoving the lighter into my pocket.

When I took the cigarette between two fingers, she was still watching me. After a couple drags, she inched closer, and held me, my arms hanging limp at my sides, the cigarette forgotten.

Then I shivered, took deep breaths, the smoke, “ _ bad stuff,”  _ Esti called it _ , _ mixed in too. 

I started to cry, pulling her as close as she could get, breathing her in. She always smelt nice, familiar. It made me feel safe. 

I bawled and sniffed, gasping for air between my quiet, desperate murmurs of, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” 

Hiccuping with no end after the tears ceased, I rested my head on Esti’s shoulder, bent a little so that we stood at the same height. As she rubbed and patted at my back, I fell silent. The only noise cutting the crisp winter air was her soft, angelic words. 

“It’s okay. I'm here, Ronit. Breathe slow, love… Yes, like that, you’ll be alright…”

“Are we really over?” I mumbled, pushing myself into Esti.

She pulled back and kissed me on the forehead. “No. I’m sorry.” 

“No.” Esti held my gaze, and leaned in, brushing our noses together, making me smile. Her eyes closed, and she too smiled, seeking my hands and threading her fingers between mine. 

“No…” She whispered, pressing her lips onto mine. We stayed there, bodies close and fingers interlocked until we were breathless, adrenaline coursing through our veins and a new spark in our hearts. We grinned like idiots, foreheads pressed together, broke into laughter, and it was our thirteenth summer all over again, except this time we were older and neither of us would ever waver again.

“I love you.” The dreaded yet adored, simple three words.  _ I had to say it.  _ Then I pulled her close again, regarded her lovingly, and leaned in, eyes closed.

“I love you.” Esti had replied immediately, arms curling around my waist. _ And I’m sorry. _

**Author's Note:**

> please do comment! would love to hear your thoughts :)
> 
> unrelated to this particular fic/fandom/rs: i did have a fic centred around bdsm, and i've since taken it down to work on it and do some major modifications. might upload again in the future when i'm satisfied, so if you're here for it, stick around!


End file.
